I was thinking about the other years in which I contributed to this occasion aka (Blogging for LGBTQ Families Day) and what I said in those years, in relation to where I am at in my life right now. I feel pretty connected at the moment to the Queer community and in dialogue around my place in it. After a lot of years of trying to find ways to engage with my community(aka becoming a drag queen nun), because I felt estranged, I feel more knitted in than I have in a while.
This is largely to do with my book, Queerspawn in Love (there it is right in the title, Queerspawn, that relationship), which came out on May 3rd. My parents being lesbians serves as the background to the story which more primarily focuses on a five year long relationship I had in my mid-twenties with a man who served in the IDF. When people ask me why I wrote a book, my knee jerk response is that my entire life, it’s been suggested I write a book, because how could I have four lesbian mothers and not write one. But it took the jagged inspiration of heartbreak to make it happen, because the “raised by lesbians” thing didn’t have enough inherent conflict. A story needs a narrative arc, it can’t all be puppies and sunshine. That being said, on the book tour all anyone really wants to ask about at the readings is the Moms. How do they get along these days? How was my brother’s sexuality affected by them comparatively? Do I have a favorite?
So I am back to the interviews of my youth in some ways .All that media work I did as a kid, preparing me for this moment. It’s a funny thing being the kid of gay parents. I compare it in my book to being the child of a celebrity, because as an example, sometimes, even when you are in the midst of your greatest accomplishments, you’ll still be answering questions about them and what they are up to. C’est la vie!
I also feel closer to my Moms than in the recent past because I literally am, physically speaking. I live these days, in my mother Nyna’s house, on my godmother Helen’s land. I see them daily, which is much more frequent than when I lived in LA, Santa Fe, Seattle or New York and just visited. My parents take up more space in my life than in the past, which was something I’ve wanted and actualized intentionally ( I’d like to reassure everyone I was fine on my own, self-sustaining… mostly 😉 )… My home life is now filled with Moms in a way it hasn’t been since childhood.
At work, my parents sexuality gives me street cred as a sex educator. Without them, I’d be another cisgender, straight-presenting white lady. Thanks to my lesbian moms, I have a vast repository of queer history/pop culture references, a decent grasp of P.C. language options and a natural comfort with interacting with folks of many genders/orientations. Basically, my parents got me the job without bribing anyone or even interacting with them. They provided the requisite skill sets.
So, these days I am feeling much more tied in, than in the years when I was trying to make it as an actress in LA, competing for who can most accurately portray a frustrated young soccer mom. I have less invested in heteronormative ideals by the day. Having my Mothers close at hand is good for me.
They serve as powerful role models of what it means to be a fully realized, successful modern woman. They also work as a natural filter for bad dating choices. I am more selective about who I bring into my space, since I share it with my mother and it’s now more likely that someone I date would meet my mothers , since I don’t live 400 miles away anymore.
As you might have ascertained/imagined however, I have some level of ambivalence about this being my situation. Lots of to love (daily support, first book published, positive role models) but also some loss of independence, some questioning of my identity and its individual force, some questioning of my future prospects in the queer community and in the world at large. The diversity of relationships people have with their parents have shown me that I am very blessed and also that there are advantages to being in families that are very different from my own. I’m not saying I would trade anyone, but there are moments where I don’t think the Queer parents make life easy/simple.
Online dating is the worst. I never know what to mention when. When to bring up the lesbian moms or the book I wrote about them and my ex-boyfriend (two boner killers if I’ve ever heard of any). When to bring those guys home if they make it that far. How to prepare my family and how to prepare the hapless fellows who meet them for my family… I’ve started to reconsider being a single parent. Something that nannying scared me off from for years. There is no better view into what single parenting is like than taking care of an infant alone all day, all week, for a decade or so.
Now that I can actively feel my ovaries decaying however, all bets are off and single parenting is again beginning to hold some appeal…
I wrote a whole book questioning what part my parents sexuality played in my most serious relationship and didn’t get any conclusive answers. Plus, I had this fantasy that once my book was published, everything else would fall into place. I’d meet someone dashing and nationally famous who’ d come across my work and be so impressed as to reach out and then we could build a Villa on the north-end of the ranch and watch over my aging lesbians from a bit of remove, while still having regular dinners and occasional babysitting. As of yet, that has not materialized. But it has been less than a month. In the meantime, I’ve gone back to the lack of dignity that is modern romance. I’ve gone back to not bringing up my moms or book until I have to. It’s a precarious balance, this whole navigating the modern world.
Will I forever be single?
Can I blame my mother’s if I am?
Would I have written a book without them? Would I have gotten my job? Is there any point to imagining hypothetical universe in which stuff is totally opposite?
I’m going to stop myself, go get a drink and read a good book. Cheers.